A thank you to Sarah
Recently my mind has been cares for by a lovely therapist called Sarah Marshall. She’s been helping me to see that all the marbles are there – they just may not necessarily be in the right order. Today marks our last session of therapy. I am sad. I don’t like endings. But… There has to … Continue reading A thank you to Sarah
The Power of Music
Maybe it’s just something I find useful, but music can change my mood – it can wake me up, enthuse me, energise me, take me back in time, bring me into the now. Music, in its purest sense can define or be used to define the way I currently feel. Today is a classical kind … Continue reading The Power of Music
When we fall down…
When we fall down, we should understand that in reality we can fall no further. We have fallen and are laying on the ground. Unless the ground is going to open up and swallow us whole (which is unlikely), we should understand that we can fall no further. Yes, we may be hurt. We may … Continue reading When we fall down…
To my Nine-Year-Old self
I know.I wish I could have spared you this, somehow changed things…I’m holding you.I don’t care how loud you scream, how much you cry, how hard you feel the need to hit me because of the pain. Let me be the rock that soaks up those tears, let me be the warmth that holds you, … Continue reading To my Nine-Year-Old self
Pain In The Neck/Rock Bottom
The problem with my neck, left side of my upper chest, left arm and hand persist. They hurt, with the exception of my hand which is numb. The consensus is that I have trapped a nerve bundle in my mid/upper spine. Except at the local hospital who couldn’t give a shit when I was seen … Continue reading Pain In The Neck/Rock Bottom
Debunking Myths
Some people that know me have reacted with surprise, and in some cases disbelief, that I have ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Some of these are people who have seen me go through my lengthy mental health journey. And there is an irony to that because they have seen me at my lowest – they have … Continue reading Debunking Myths
Am I Autistic Enough
Some people still react with surprise and maybe doubt when I tell them I have autism – maybe the problem isn’t me, but the perception of what they think Autism is supposed to be.
Sing A Long…
AGONYI’m in…AGONYA – it’s Annoying,G – keep me Groaning,O – Offends my bodyN – Never going to end,Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-yyyyy-yyyyyyyy… Yeah, so the back pain is still going on, and they have me so fully pumped full of muscle relaxants and pain relief that I swear I can taste colour at the moment. Due to Covid, the … Continue reading Sing A Long…
The Trouble with Pain
Agony. That’s a good word to describe what I am dealing with at the moment. My back and shoulder are… Well, agony is a good word. I’m not one to bitch about pain, pain is something you have to learn to deal with – but I find myself in a position where it’s hard not … Continue reading The Trouble with Pain
Endings & Beginnings
December 2020, I said goodbye to my CPN, Giles. Giles has been looking after my mental health for a long time and he was (is) a great bulwark against the demons I deal with. But like all things, it couldn’t continue forever. Therapy only works when you learn that you have to stand on your … Continue reading Endings & Beginnings
Consequences – Part 7
Guess what? The DWP changed their minds again and sitting in front of me is a claim form for disability benefits. This is the same DWP that couldn’t make up it’s mind earlier this year about whether they needed to reassess me again and deferred my reassessment to the end of next year due to … Continue reading Consequences – Part 7
Update
It may sound weird, but I’m just not feeling it at the moment. Yeah, the excitement over finding out I am autistic is beginning to wane, being replaced by the horrified knowledge that this has been the way I’ve been for all of my life and it was somehow missed. Finding out the truth as … Continue reading Update
Burnout
I am dealing with burnout at the moment, for various reasons. Firstly, I have been very creative in a short space of days and created a new 3D model – actually I created two, and secondly, I have been getting ready for… Well, my Christmas tradition the last few years has been to be in … Continue reading Burnout
Consequences – Part 6
The DWP is really hacking me off. First, they weren’t going to reassess me, then they were, and now… Now they have deferred because of Covid-19 until next year. It’s got me down then up and down and then up again. Basically, I’m all over the place with it. But if they are deferring for … Continue reading Consequences – Part 6
Consequences – Part 5
Aaaarrrrrggghhhhh! The DWP can’t seem to make it’s mind up about when they want to re-assess my disability benefits. It was going to be this year, then it was bumped to next year and now? Now we’re back to this year again. I’m ready, but panicky because they seem to change their minds depending on … Continue reading Consequences – Part 5
Consequences – Part 4
So… After getting everything ready for the DWP for an assessment on 17 October 2020 – I have been bumped to November 2021 due to the ongoing Covid crises. I should feel relieved, but honestly? I feel pissed off that I put a lot of time and energy into getting things ready for something that … Continue reading Consequences – Part 4
Bench Test
Content Warning – this is a horror short story, promoted by the fact we are in the month of October and close to Hallow’s Eve. It is not for children and adults of a sensitive nature. And it is only a story. The weather isn’t quite perfect, too much sun, too much warmth. Part of … Continue reading Bench Test
Blackbirds
*A poem for Hallow’s Eve. Sing a song of sixpence,A pocket full of rye.The killer’s in the corn,And you are gonna die. Four and twenty blackbirds,Take unto the sky,Now’s the time to move your feet,Now’s the time to hide. When the door is opened,Your nerves will start to sing,Hoping that your dainty breath,Doesn’t give away … Continue reading Blackbirds
What the puzzle piece means to me
I know for some people the use of the Puzzle Piece to represent the Autistic Community is controversial. For some because of a group called “Autism Speaks” for others because they see it as confirmation that we are “puzzle’s needing to be solved.” But I don’t see it that way. For me, the puzzle piece … Continue reading What the puzzle piece means to me
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